By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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