Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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