Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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