I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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