epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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