I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
