watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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