WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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