I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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