just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
