she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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