If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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