At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
