I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
