My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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