He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
