The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
