the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
