My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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