I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
