allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
