In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my shit smells like andre
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
