I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
