Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
