yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
