I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
