you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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