half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's blow job season.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
