dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
