Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
