my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
