I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
