I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
