How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
