saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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