I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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