This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
