I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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