Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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