I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
