New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
