did you get engaged???
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
