U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
