My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
