How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
