Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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