how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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