hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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