If i come over, it means nothing
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
