The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
