Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
