Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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