I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
